WheatBread Issue#9: May 1997
["Magnum Opus" by Kansas]Back to the Archives...

A Note on Discrepancies: In addition to photos and articles only available here, most copy editing, graphic design, and layout mistakes have been fixed. Care has been taken to preserve the character of the original. NOTE: WheatBreads #1-#9 are 11x17 in size; WheatBreads #10-present are 8.5x11.


All pages in breath-saving PDF format.

WB#9's cover1. The cover: A poster-size (okay, actual size) version of our famous "Red Heifer" cover, as designed by Brendan Sheehan ('97).

2. Editorials: A three-fer this time: the final Editorial by Randy Mack, plus the introductory Editorials by new editors Macneil Shonle and Zack Ordynans. Not to mention our ever-stylish and moderately-kinky masthead.

3. "The Kitchenette of Contents": Our regular combination of Table of Contents and About the Authors' pages. Good for an overview of the issue, learning about our contributors, and getting behind-the-articles info.

4. Letters to the Editor and How to Read This Issue: Featuring our first (and only) Letter to the Editor, plus our guide to the convenient article-labeling system introduced with this issue (each article was labeled so the reader would know what's serious and what's not). This page also contains a Top Ten list.

5-7. The Year in Review. The wrap-up, summary, and look-back on the 1996-97 school year. Including:

5-6. The Top Ten News Stories of the Year: by Emily Sachs ('98), three-year veteran of the Scarlet news room and this year's WB News Editor, and Randy Mack ('97). Also contains the 1996-97 timeline.
7. The Wheaties: The Introduction of our annual community awards, including awards for Best Practical Joke, (hu)Man of the Year, and Freshmen to Watch Out For.

8-9. Cross-Dressing: Incognito at Holy Cross: by Cathy O'Brien ('97) and Zack Ordynans ('98). Holy Cross, through the eyes of Clark's most sarcastic. By the authors of "Trapped! Your Day in the U.C."

10-11. A Modern Proposal: by Randy Mack ('97). A tribute to Jonathan Swift, on the Sophomore Meal Plan fight from last year. Spot the paragraph taken verbatim from Swift's classic essay!

12-13. Professor's Quote Logs: compiled by Macneil Shonle ('00) and Igor Gershenson ('00), from actual quotes by actual professors. Also contains a Top Ten list, and WB's version of the "100 Things To Do at Clark" list.

14. A Teleplay: by Christopher Hagelstein ('87), based on an actual phone call. Also features a fake ad.

15. What Sort of Clarkie Reads WheatBread? text by Macneil Shonle ('00), photography by Naomi Miller ('96). Everyone, especially advertisers, knows what kind of person reads Playboy, dammit, so now everyone gets to know what kind of Clarkie reads WheatBread.

16. A Plague of Do-Nothing-Ness: by Eric Anderson ('98). Also contains two (particularly good) Top Ten lists and a message to Marty Mohr from the mysterious Mr. Berry.

17. Chronicles of Some Class: by Nina Catalano ('00). Also contains a random PSA about ska (written by Cathy O'Brien, not Zack or Sean), and the last "ROC-U Update" by out-going Station Manager Dave Bernstein ('98).

18-19. The WheatBread Spring Fashion Show: text by Shaunna Francis ('00) and Catherine O'Brien ('97) with Jason Berry ('97), design & layout by Jason Berry ('97), photography by Beth Eshelman ('00). Also contains the 95 Downing "Spork Log."

20. Never Mind the Sex Pistols, Here's Bullock: by Jesse Paddock ('00). An inside look at the Bullock dorm legends. Also features "T.S.I.A." by tom gibson ('98), and indeed the title does say it all.

21. Pomp and Circumstance: by Elizabeth Simpson ('98). Also contains the "summer CUFS schedule" (a staff favorite).

22-29. The WheatBread (Unofficial) Arts Section. Including:

22-23+26-27. "The Long Walk": by David Reed ('98). One of Clark's best young talents won the English Department's Annual Short Story Contest with this piece.
24-25. COMIX! Two great editions of Fred Orispaa's strip "Seth," plus original cartoons by Macneil Shonle, Tom Gibson, and Randy Mack.
27-29. "Harvey": by David Reed ('98). The greedy bastard also won the English Department's Loring Holmes & Ruth Dodd Drama Contest. Also features an essay by current Journal of the Arts (JOTA) Editor Karren Young, responding to some controversy surrounding that year's edition of JOTA and detailing JOTA's publication policies. A fake ad for English Dept Writing Contests is here, too.

30-38. The WB Academic Spree Day. Actual essays written for actual classes, and all entertaining in their own way. Photos of Dr. Not Steve's Unofficial Academic Spree Day Exhibit are throughout (and compiled below). Featuring:

30. "The Barthian Signification of Mutual Dependence in Han Solo": by Michael Rizzo ('97).
31. "The X-Files: Summaries and Analysis": by Amanda Reyna ('98).
32-33. "The Infamous Gender Study of Student Council": by Nathan Kleinberger ('97). See the actual research into gender inequity in our student government. Read the report that made Rob Leeman apologize!
34-35. "The Untold Tale of the Forged Email From President Traina": by Zack Ordynans ('98). At last, the full story is revealed behind the email from "RTRAINA" that arrived in Student Council's mailbox.
36-37. "Hope and Hardship at the Dismas House": by Randi Beth Beckman ('98).
38. "A Name But Not of Words": by Elizabeth Simpson ('98).
ØØ. Dr. Not Steve's Unofficial Academic Spree Day Exhibit: [compilation] Photos have been enlarged to actual size, plus additional commentary and full credits. Funny because it's true!

39. Proposed Commencement Speech: by Jason Berry ('97). As submitted to, and rejected by, the Commencement Speaker Selection Committee. The "Director's Edit."

40-41. A Zen Tour of Clark: by Naama Haviv ('00) and Regina Robo ('00). Two stuffed animals take us on a photo tour of Clark's coolest hidden rooms and secret locales.

42. More articles and stuff:
The Squba Gear Experience: by Sean Prager ('00). A concert review of one of New England's best live acts.
Offensiveness Questionnaire: by Sam Begner ('98). A hypocrisy test from the Editor of the Scarlet.
The ROC-U Review: by Dave Bernstein ('98) and Zack Ordynans ('98). The last of this classic Scarlet column. It was, ironically, the ROC-U Review that introduced the world to Squba Gear.
The Seven Habits of Highly Ineffective People: Student Leader Edition: a fake ad for the best-selling (or so it seems) self-help book, by Bill Evans ('99).

43. The 1996-97 Distribution of the SAF: courtesy Student Council. The full report on the Budget Committee's allocations last Spring. (The second year in a row WB has scooped the Scarlet on this!)

44. How Many Things Can You Find Wrong With This Picture #94: The last of one of WB's only recurring features (inspiration courtesy Mad Magazine), this time we turn our lens on the U.C. dining hall.